______ __
/ ____/___ _____/ /___ ______ ___
/ /_ / __ \/ ___/ __/ / / / __ \/ _ \
/ __/ / /_/ / / / /_/ /_/ / / / / __/
/_/ \____/_/ \__/\__,_/_/ /_/\___/
Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
your fuses regularly.
Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
table, etc.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
tadpole".
Bite the wax tadpole.
There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
-- John Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
Mustgo, n.:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
use the editorial "we."
Friday, 8 May 2026 Michael J. Chappell Contact me at:
mcsuper5@freeshell.org
