______ __
/ ____/___ _____/ /___ ______ ___
/ /_ / __ \/ ___/ __/ / / / __ \/ _ \
/ __/ / /_/ / / / /_/ /_/ / / / / __/
/_/ \____/_/ \__/\__,_/_/ /_/\___/
Lobster:
Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
too.
-- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
pretty?
W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
W. C.: It's almost impossible.
-- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent
thinkers.
Tuesday, 29 September 2026 Michael J. Chappell Contact me at:
mcsuper5@freeshell.org
